peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
