She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
