Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
