Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
