i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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