Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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