He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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