even my farts smell like vagina
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
