What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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