when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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