I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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