i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You were trust falling into bushes
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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