I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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