I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
