Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
