now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
