Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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