the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
