i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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