She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
