I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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