Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
