Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That was an excessively violent trivia night
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
