Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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