thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
