If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I need a beard to bite.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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