I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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