you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
