at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
