this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
