Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
