Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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