Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
