I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Blood and glitter go together right?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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