I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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