Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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