Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize