My liver just broke up with me...
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
