He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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