I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
