Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
