apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
