Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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