I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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