im six kinds of drunk right now
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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