I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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