if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
