My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
