i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize