I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
