Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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