i just wanna soil my oats bro
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
