On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
