I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
