White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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